School's started again.

Charlie threatened to send me to live with Renee in Florida. He doesn't like seeing me like this - existing but not living.

I told him I'd go out with a couple of girls from school. He said he just wants me to be happy again.

I'm not sure I'll ever be happy again.

Then Charlie went there. The one thing we haven't spoke about since before he left.

I know I haven't been...present. But 'm getting by. Doing the best I can.

I guess I'm going to have to try harder.

I know I'm a couple days late, but Merry Christmas.

[Private Entry]

I wonder if I'll ever stop hurting...

Halloween is next week. Charlie's trying to persuade me to go to the dance at school.

I'm not going; I don't have any friends and I can't dance. There's just really no point.

And I don't feel much like being social anyway.

They're gone. The whole family. Dr. Gerandy said that Carlisle accepted a position in LA.

I thought maybe it was just him...but...

He said he didn't love me. The he didn't want me.

He took everything. the pictures, my cd. everything.

He kept his promise. There's no trace of him here, except for my memories. It's like he never existed.

I have to go back to school on Monday. Charlie's letting me have this week.

It hurts. So, so much.

He left me.

[Private Entry]

Something's coming. I can sense it. I don't know what it is, but it's going to be big, and I'm not sure it'll be good.

Edward's been acting strangely since the party. He barely spoke to me today, and he sounded like he didn't want to come over when I got home from work tonight. It almost felt like I had to beg him to show up. I nearly had a panic attack as I left school today; I couldn't breathe and my chest felt tight. I know something's wrong, but he won't talk to me...

I know he's worried about his family. Jasper and Alice have gone to Denali, he said. Jasper needs time to deal with what didn't happen, I guess, and of course Alice wouldn't abandon him. Maybe he just doesn't want to tell me I can't come around the house anymore. I can understand, I guess. I mean, I'll see Alice and Edward at school, and Edward comes over all the time. I'll miss Emmett (if he and Rosalie are staying for awhile now that they're back from Africa). Carlisle's practically my personal physician at this point, and I'm sure I'll bump into him at the ER. Don't know how I'll get to see Esme, but we can figure something out, right?

Maybe we should just go away, the two of us. That could make it better, right? I mean...with James, he handled all those weeks in the hospital just fine. Is this different because it was Jasper (well, to be honest, the whole family kind of looked like they wanted me for dinner after I landed in the table). I'm sure I have nearly enough credits to graduate early. We could go away, go to college...maybe he'd finally listen to reason and turn me...

It happened again when I got home - that panicky feeling coiled tight in my chest. I had to hold on to the table for a minute to orient myself. Edward and Charlie were watching ESPN when I got home from work. Edward barely looked at me when I came in. Just two days ago his face lit up whenever I walked into the room, and now, it's like he can barely stand to be around me.

I used the camera I got for my birthday to take as many pictures as possible. I'll go print them at the drugstore tomorrow to put in the scrapbook Renee sent me.

Edward didn't stay tonight.

Something is changing. I can feel it coiling in my chest. I don't know what it is, but it's going to be big.

So...not the best birthday ever, but I have to give Alice credit for trying. Truth be told, it wasn't her fault, really.

Once the stitches come out of my arm, I'll have another new scar. I swear, somedays, I ought to just be dressed in bubble wrap.

[Filtered to Alice, Edward]

Please tell Jasper I don't blame him. I'm not mad at him at all, please make sure he knows that.

[Private Entry]

Edward's been acting strangely since he brought me home last night. When he kissed me last night, it felt like goodbye, and this morning he was gone almost as soon as I was awake...

[Private Entry]

I had a horrible dream last night. Edward stayed the same age, while I kept getting older. I know where it came from; he's adamant about not turning me, and today I turn 18, a whole year older than him.

Sure, I can be rational and realize it's not the end of the world, but how long will it be before he'll agree to change me so we can be together? Before I'm 20? Before I'm 30? When we have to start posing as mother and son instead of partners? When I look old enough to be his grandmother?

That's what scares me; that he won't ever want to change me, and that we'll never get our forever. I don't know why he's resistant. I don't see what's so bad about being a vampire, at least not the way his family does it.

Sent along with Alice to San Francisco

For Piper: A card with a gift card for Linens and Things

Piper, Congratulations on your wedding. I'm sorry I couldn't make it down for the reception; Charlie suddenly decided we needed bonding time before I turn eighteen. **eyeroll** Anyway, I hope that the ceremony went well and that your reception is a great party and everyone has a good time. I hope that you'll be very happy in the future. I wish you both the very best for a long and happy life together.
-Bella

[Filtered to Alice, Edward]

Alright, I'm really trying to be rational about this and everything, but the two new people, Spike and Drusilla? Vampires? And from the sounds of things, not good ones. I'm a little freaked out even though it sounds like they're no where near here. After everything with James, I really don't want want to introduce myself, especially with Spike's comment about a fifteen year old...


...can I come over? Charlie's not home and I really don't want to be alone right now. Every little sound in this house is making me jump...

*shy wave* Hi. I've not been hanging around much lately. Edward's back from his trip so we've been spending a lot of time together. It looks like I need to get caught up a bit. :D

Mailed to Jou in one package:

S'mores snacks: graham cereal with marshmallow and chocolate chips (a la rice crispy treats - 1 doz)
( and a note )
For Shizuka: peanut butter kiss cookies (six)
( and a note )
For Seto: zucchini bread (six slices)
( with a note )

Mailed to Chuck:
-s'mores snacks (six)
-peanut butter kiss cookies (six)
-zucchini bread (four slices)

I have absolutely nothing to report, other than there's been no lock on the job front. Alice and I had a great time with Jou and Seto last weekend. I've been spending some time with Edward's mom, Esme, in her garden, and I'm thinking about asking her to teach me how to knit or crochet.

Other than that, I'm working my way through the Cullen's library and enjoying the lack of homework.

Happy Birthday, Edward. I love you.

[Private Entry]

What does a 17 year old girl get her 108 year old vampire boyfriend for his 'birthday?'

They don't even really celebrate birthdays, but I feel like I should do something...

Like Alice said, graduation at Forks High was on Saturday, so we've officially begun summer vacation.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself for three months. I hadn't really considered summer holidays when I moved up here from Phoenix. I guess maybe I thought I'd visit Renee for part of the time off, but it's still the playing season for Phil, and I'm not sure I'd really enjoy Florida - I'm not so much a beach person, but it'd be nice to be in a bigger city for awhile again. Jacksonville has to be significantly bigger than Forks. I guess I'll just have to figure stuff out. I have some new recipes I want to try, and there are a ton of books to read, and if I get bored there's always the 1000 channels of TV between here and Edward's.

I've been thinking about getting a job, but the options around here are a bit limited. Port Angeles is a bit far to drive for a part time job. I'll have to just keep my eyes open and see if anything comes up.

Just about six hours from now, I'll be free from the hell that is Forks High School....

In the meantime (and I'll answer when the jailers have let us out)...

Sheppard's Meme:

1) Ask me anything. Anonymously, or even privately, and I'll answer honestly.

2) Tell me something you want me to take a picture of - it can be anything at all, and I'll do my best to get a photo of it for you.



...okay, yes, I know, high school really isn't all that bad, but it's been a rough semester and I'm ready to just put it all behind me and enjoy summer vacation.

Happy Birthday, Chuck. I hope it was a good one.

Finals week is well underway. Charlie's getting pizza for dinner tonight.

[Filtered from Alice and Edward]

Alice's birthday is on Wednesday. She'll be 18. I talked her older brother Emmett into taking her to an 'Adult Store' to welcome her to adult hood. I didn't have the guts to do it myself, but I'm thinking I might take Edward for his in a few weeks. If I can work up the courage.

...I feel like a perv. But it's kind of fun, plotting with Emmett, and he looked so happy with the idea.

( and a meme )